The following was first posted in my Facebook a week after I lost the pregnancy I tried so hard to keep. (Dates are now changed in accordance with this post and a few sentiments are added).
It has been 12 days today when I miscarried my unborn child naturally and it has been 14 days since I cried uncontrollably in that small, dark ultrasound room when I learned of the very devastating truth - my unborn child had stopped developing 4 weeks earlier and there was no more heartbeat.
I prayed fervently that it was just a nightmare and somebody would wake up me up anytime while the sonographer carried on with her verdict.
I didn't even bother listening to her. With her opening word of "unfortunately", my world had already crashed.
It could have been my 10th week and 6 days when I completely lost the child - I, Dearest Husband and Little Girl would never get to meet and know.
And it could have been my 12th week last Friday, and first routine scan on Thursday.
I guess I would never stop counting until my suppose due date and from there would still think of the "could have beens".
Nothing could have prepared me for this tragic event in our lives.
Although this wasn't a routine scan as I had light cramps and discharges the previous week.
I was still hoping against hope that all is well and that perhaps I'm just carrying twins and my uterus is just expanding rapidly (we have twins in my paternal side after all that skipped my father and my generation).
If I look back, I could say the warning signs were already there. I didn't feel pregnant at all.
The lack and the inconsistency of pregnancy symptoms made me questioned several times but I was always assured by medical practitioners (through positive pregnancy tests) and other mothers that every pregnancy is different from the other .
It wasn't too bad either with Little Girl before so that made me surrender to the idea that perhaps this was just indeed a different pregnancy and rather just count myself lucky that I don't feel physically bad at all. Now, I was very wrong on that. I should have been alarmed with my instincts.
Next time, (if ever there is a next time, hopefully) I will embrace every pregnancy symptom I have and rejoice and be very thankful for it.
This heartbreaking incident created a roller coaster of emotions. I am weepy most of the time.
I could not bear to look and hear of anything pregnancy and baby/child related.
Guilty that perhaps I am responsible for the miscarriage or may be there was a way I could have stopped it. Relieved that the physical pain is almost completely gone.
Desperate to get over this phase quick and move on to a brighter future.
An escaping desire to get out of the country and go somewhere my family and I can briefly forget this very upsetting period in our lives (but I'm still physically incapable).
And at times doubted my reproductive capability - but the very sight of my Little Girl challenged this.
I conceived her naturally, after all (and so was the second one) and carried her full term with no problems at all.
Despite this miscarriage I am still thankful that my unborn second child gave us happiness and excitement in those short 6 weeks I've understood I was pregnant. I could not bear to look and hear of anything pregnancy and baby/child related.
Guilty that perhaps I am responsible for the miscarriage or may be there was a way I could have stopped it. Relieved that the physical pain is almost completely gone.
Desperate to get over this phase quick and move on to a brighter future.
An escaping desire to get out of the country and go somewhere my family and I can briefly forget this very upsetting period in our lives (but I'm still physically incapable).
And at times doubted my reproductive capability - but the very sight of my Little Girl challenged this.
I conceived her naturally, after all (and so was the second one) and carried her full term with no problems at all.
Like Little Girl, the second one was also unplanned but very much welcomed.
Dearest Husband and I had completely made plans and some arrangements for this year in anticipation to the arrival of baby no.2 on the 3rd week of October.
Now some of that has to change.
It is just totally painful.
Miscarriage is a physical and emotional devastation.
I wouldn't wish it on anybody even to my worst enemy.
It deprives a beautiful life my unborn child could have.
It deprives me of becoming a mother second time around, as with Dearest Husband for fatherhood.
It deprives Little Girl of becoming a big sister at 32 months old.
It deprives my parents and parents-in-law of having another grandchild.
It deprives me and Dearest Husband of having another daughter or perhaps a son.
I am keeping every memento I have to remind me of baby no.2.
There might not be much except for the home pregnancy kits, the scan picture, the pregnancy notes and the sleepsuits I bought.
It may not sound good to some but we all have our own way of grieving and coping with a loss.
Dearest Husband and I may get past this tragic period but I believe we will remain scarred for the rest of our lives.
Only God knows the reason why my 2nd pregnancy failed to progress.
We just sincerely hope we would be given another chance to be parents once again but if not our Little Girl already makes our lives complete.
Farewell our Little Angel.
You may be taken from us so soon but you will always be in Mummy and Daddy's hearts.
We love you very much.
You may be taken from us so soon but you will always be in Mummy and Daddy's hearts.
We love you very much.
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just want to tell you that you, Emilia, and Colin are in my prayers everyday. Remember that God is there for us, especially when we are going through the worse in our life.
ReplyDeleteRemember that WE (Leo & I) are here for you and we love you always.(though thousand miles away, you can SKYPE me anytime!)
Dearest,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that there was nothing you could have done to cause the loss of your child. I always tell the parents that have lost their child that perhaps nature has its way of revealing things to you, albeit in a very tragic way. God does not give us obstacles that He knows we can't handle. Sadly, even if we can foresee things like these to happen, there is also no way to stop it. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I hate every symptom that I get from my pregnancy when I should count my blessings as I see women like you everyday, fearing the worst with every scan.
There are really no better words to offer comfort, that despite what happened, you were spared the heartache of actually delivering a child much later in term and taken away from you before you can hold them in your arms.
Take care of yourself.